I’m Not Okay

The other day I wrote about living life to the fullest and viewing life through the lens of positivity. And I meant that. But today, I’m not okay. Tomorrow I might be better, but today — no.

The images of injustice that replay through my mind (and in the media) make it hard to work, hard to function, and make everything else seem futile.

I’m mad about the blatant injustice, silence, inaction, complacency, and ignorance.

I’m upset about the events of today, last week, last month, last year, and the consistent hatred for hundreds of years.

I’m frustrated with them, you and me. I want to make a change. I want the cycle to end.

Hiding behind my smile at neighbors and coworkers is grief and outrage at the current state of our world.

I’m hurt, sad, frustrated, energized, and angry all at the same time. There are too many feelings to name.

Should there be more dialogue and action from those that don’t look like me? Yes, but I don’t really expect it. Should there be more outrage and empathy from others? Yes, but my feelings and stance are not validated by it.

I get it. It’s uncomfortable to talk about—to open that whole can of worms. But that discomfort is minuscule in proportion to the real pain that’s felt daily from crisis after crisis, death after death.

What we do next is critical. Real change, meaningful change, is necessary. I don’t have all the answers. I’m figuring it out too.

I have faith. I still have love. I still believe in better.

I will be alright. I believe one day that we will be alright. But today, I’m not okay.